My Daughter, Freedom, and I: Memoirs of a Writer and Psychiatrist 1-

My daughter, Alma Lily, was born in America, yet, she lived through everything that happened in Syria alongside us: The revolution, the civil war, the massacres, the regional conflict, the international agreements, the carving up of the spoils, the massacres once more, the civil war again, and then the phase of supplication, where those who pray split into three groups:
Two groups praying against one another, and a surviving group praying for the country improvement, for freedom, and for a better, more dignified life.

Last year, Alma told me: "What happened in Syria could happen anywhere in the world. I think the difference between America and many other countries is that we in the American society has been raised on freedom."

I asked her, "How?"
She replied, "Here in America, we don t interfere in other people s business, you taught me that."

The first thing that crossed my mind was U.S. foreign policy, we interfere in everyone s affairs. Does that mean we want everyone else to be unfree?

But I laughed and answered, "That’s an answer worth reflecting on. I’m smart, though I forgot, I actually said that."

"You didn t say it, you lived it and I watched you!”
**********

"Don t interfere in others business," and you become free!
How?

Is it because others don t interfere in your affairs? You are free to be whoever you want...
Or is it because you are constantly building your own realm, so you don t waste your life dictating the path of others—even their relationship with their Creator?
Or do you become free because you are untethered from the opinions of others, their inherited beliefs, and their judgments of you and your life...
Or because you define "the other" simply as a human being who doesn t interfere in your affairs—nothing more? And in doing so, you do not diminish their humanity, rights,´-or-duties in any way?´-or-perhaps, by refraining from meddling in the affairs of others, you are guarding against poison?

The poison here echoes the words of Jalal al-Din Rumi, who, when asked about the meaning of poison, replied:
“Poison lies neither in a bottle nor in food, but in anything that exceeds our needs.
It may manifest as power that intoxicates us, wealth that drowns us, an insatiable hunger,´-or-boundless greed.
It may lurk in a love that enslaves us, an arrogance that blinds us, an ambition that consumes us, a hatred that burns us,´-or-a lethargy that numbs our souls.
For poison is any excess that disrupts our balance, no matter how beautiful´-or-desirable it may seem.”

Does refraining from interfering in others lives guarantee our distance from all forms of poison and ensure our balance?
Indeed: we need a balance that stems from within, not one born of fear of others´-or-of disparaging things that merely reflect the wretchedness of our own minds.

I find this applies perfectly to the way we raise our children.
How many mothers grant their children what they perceive as freedom, only to allow them to meddle in the affairs of others to the point of excess?
And how many mothers stifle their children, denying them their rightful due, driving them to turn to those who would open every vessel of poison?

Yes, at times we err by sealing off every outlet, turning our children’s lives—especially during adolescence—into a dark cellar filled only with *our* concerns: *our* unfulfilled dreams, *our* disappointments, *our* fears... and *our* definition of freedom. In other instances, we throw doors wide open—windows and even roofs, too, allowing a certain kind of poison to permeate the space...
Yet, it would suffice to open only what we can monitor, without letting that poison seep into our children’s minds and lives.

This applies equally to what we deem "good." How many teenagers have seen their lives ruined by a drive for perfection instilled in them by parents who didn t understand the true definition of poison?
**********

In a similar vein, we often see people mistreating those who once helped them. Remember the popular American idiom: "No good deed goes unpunished”.
In psychiatry, this can stem from the recipient feeling eternally indebted to the benefactor—a sensation that stifles freedom, one of humanity’s highest aspirations.
Or, it happens because the benefactor intervened in matters uninvited, casting themselves as the ultimate savior in an era where we all—without exception—need saviors.

That is why you should only offer help when --dir--ectly asked for if, that is, you wish to preserve both the relationship and your own freedom.

I constantly receive invitations to gatherings, festivals, writers conferences, and events across the East. I find myself declining those who fail to call things by their proper names, those who beat around the bush regarding why they want a specific female writer at their event.
After all, "help" is essentially a request for temporary intervention in another person s affairs, how, then, can one offer it without being explicitly asked?
**********


During the next break, I said to Alma Lily:

"I’ve been thinking about what you said, and I believe you’re right: interfering in others affairs kills freedom.
Perhaps the concept of help among people in the East needs to shift—to be viewed strictly as a request for temporary intervention in one s affairs. That way, people would be better able to define what help actually is, and less likely to destroy relationships with those who have helped them."

Alma laughed:
"You overthink things, Mom. Today, I finally understood why you closed your dermatology practice and embarked on the journey of starting over in psychiatry."

I laughed too:
"That is precisely why I don’t meddle in other people’s affairs, Lily--;-- I am too occupied with my own thoughts, my philosophy, and the mission in this life that gives me a reason to wake up every day."



To be continued…

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